You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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