he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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