I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
