rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
