every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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