wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize