I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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