gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
