Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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