I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
She needs sedatives and a leash
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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