We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
