im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize