The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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