Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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