My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize