Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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