After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize