I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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