I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
This couple is walking their pig around campus
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize