why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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