I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
