Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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