So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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