I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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