I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
