too bad you live with your parents still
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize