I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
