getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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