naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
