It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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