I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize