At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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