im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
