I wish my penis had an off switch
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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