don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
