I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
