Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
