i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
