Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
