Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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