I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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