mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
not ubering you a puppy
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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