What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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