goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
