guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize