I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
How's work?
Spinning.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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