I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
