dude i'm inner monologue high
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
