not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
