It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
