dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
