It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
