Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
