awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
