i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
