John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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