I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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