a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
