Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I DEMAND FORESKIN
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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