Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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