Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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